McDonnell in Paradise 52

I pity the Newell

It’s easy to say the wrong thing. When the wife told me she’d received a fine for not wearing a seatbelt, I probably shouldn’t have responded with; “Why’s that then? Wouldn’t it fit?”

Mike Newell is in a similar boat. His controversial views on female officials have landed him in a spot of bother; but in my opinion, there could well be a nail with a pounding headache. It’s unfair to ask a woman to make crucial decisions less than 24 hours after an episode of Emmerdale.

All joking aside, Amy Rayner is more than capable. If I had to mark her performance using the binary scale, I’d give her ‘1’.

Is it a coincidence that Spurs are wearing a chocolate coloured kit now that women are running the line? (A lady will be less inclined to flag for offside if they’re contemplating a large dairy milk.) If you’re not cynical about the situation, you probably haven’t thought it through. There’s no need to ponder for too long on the outcome of the Blackburn v Tottenham match. Be a smarty; eat up the 2.60 about a home win.

Alan Pardew and Jose Mourinho are the undisputed kings of the goal celebration. Let’s hope there’s not a lady lino on duty when Chelsea face West Ham, or it could turn into a scene from ‘Saturday Night Fever’. The champions have too much for the Hammers; their title hopes will be stayin’ alive at 1.25.

Jose Mourinho has had a pop at the Chelsea fans, he’s accused them of being quieter than El Hadji Diouf’s wife. Chelsea supporters will have plenty to sing about if they cover the 2-0/3-0 correct scores at 3.50.

The word on the street is that Frank Lampard is to be offered a new deal worth £130,000 a week; that buys a whole lot of chicken wings. The Lamp has found the net in three of his last five games; he’s worth a nibble at 2.63 to score against his former employers.

It’s fair to say that Iain Dowie made an absolute ‘Desert Orchid’ of the Charlton job; sorry, I meant ‘dog’s dinner’. Charlton are bottom of the table and haven’t won in Reading for 25 years, the Royals should be backed at a majestic 2.00.

Finding Michael Jackson babysitting work is tough, finding Mike Newell a job at the equal opportunities commission is even tougher, but finding a winner in the Everton v Bolton match is proving nigh impossible. I can’t see past the draw at 3.25.

Sir Alex was far from happy when news broke that Keith Hackett had arranged a meeting with Jose Mourinho. Fergie’s voice reached such a high pitch, Mike Newell wanted him removed from the touchline. United have won on their last three visits to Bramall Lane without conceding a goal, I fancy a repeat at 2.10.

Gareth Southgate has led Boro up to 13th place in the Premiership, which makes him over-qualified for the position of England manager. Liverpool have won only two of their last eight league match-ups with Middlesbrough, and both of those were at Anfield. The Boro look a corking investment at 3.40 to triumph at the Riverside.

With the managerial merry-go-round now under way, Stuart Pearce must be sweating like Mike Newell at a feminist convention. Fulham must be backed at 3.40 to see off Man City.

The wife hates it when i make patronizing comments; the poor little lamb gets ever so upset. You’ll be screaming if you miss Aston Villa at 3.00 away to Wigan.

Let me just clarify, I am not a sexist; I enjoy conversations about cushions. Everybody’s talking about the 1.67 on offer for Pompey at home to Watford; it’s as tasty as a chicken tikka masala.

I had a lovely Indian on Wednesday night to celebrate England’s draw in Holland; her name was Sanjita. There was an immediate chemistry between us; Rohypnol. I’m loving Arsenal at 1.33 at home to Newcastle.

The argument for this week’s accer is so convincing, Mike Newell is reconsidering his hard-line stance on women’s rights. Arsenal, Chelsea, Portsmouth, Reading and an Everton draw are the five selections; you have the right to collect at a bra-burning 16.00.


Weekend Betting:

Man City v Fulham Saturday 18th November 12:45 Live on Premiership Plus

Man City 2.20
Draw 3.25
Fulham 3.40

Get on: Fulham

Match Special:
Papa Bouba Diop to score with a header 10.00

Arsenal v Newcastle Saturday 18th November 15:00

Arsenal 1.33
Draw 5.00
Newcastle 11.00

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:
Henry to score two or more goals 3.75

Chelsea v West Ham Saturday 18th November 15:00

Chelsea 1.25
Draw 5.50
West Ham 15.00

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:
Frank Lampard to score from outside the penalty area 4.33

Everton v Bolton Saturday 18th November 15:00

Everton 2.30
Draw 3.25
Bolton 3.00

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
No goalscorer in the game 9.00

Portsmouth v Watford Saturday 18th November 15:00

Portsmouth 1.67
Draw 3.50
Watford 5.50

Get on: Portsmouth

Match Special:
Pedro Mendes to score at any time 6.00

Reading v Charlton Saturday 18th November 15:00

Reading 2.00
Draw 3.25
Charlton 4.00

Get on: Reading

Match Special:
Reading to win and keep a clean sheet 3.00

Sheff Utd v Man Utd Saturday 18th November 15:00

Sheff Utd 9.00
Draw 4.50
Man Utd 1.36

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:
Saha to score two or more goals 4.00

Middlesbrough v Liverpool Saturday 18th November 17:15 Live on Premiership Plus

Middlesbrough 3.40
Draw 3.25
Liverpool 2.20

Get on: Middlesbrough

Match Special:
Middlesbrough to win 1-0 9.00

Wigan v Aston Villa Sunday 19th November 13:30 Live on Sky

Wigan 2.50
Draw 3.25
Aston Villa 3.00

Get on: Aston Villa

Match Special:
Chris Sutton to score the first goal 9.00

Blackburn v Tottenham Sunday 19th November 16:00 Live on Sky

Blackburn 2.60
Draw 3.25
Tottenham 3.00

Get on: Blackburn

Match Special:
McCarthy to score the only goal of the game 34.00