It's fashionable to start any assessment of Celebrity Big Brother with the phrase "the usual procession of Z-list celebs" and snark about how there aren't any real celebrities.
It started off as 'D-list celebs' but, ever mindful of the need for exaggeration, hacks have steadily worked their way down the alphabet and are now struggling for new ways to describe those who achieved minor notoriety through dubious means.
"My personal favourite judgmental dismissal is 'nano-celebrity'. Please feel free to steal it if you're a frog-faced turd with no imagination."
My personal favourite judgmental dismissal is nano-celebrity. Please feel free to steal it if you're a frog-faced turd with no imagination.
Anyway, "the usual procession of nano-celebs" have made the walk of shame into the Big Brother house. Quite a combustible mix this year from Endemol, well aware of the need to prove themselves superior to I'm A Celebrity who recently finished a fairly tepid run in the jungle enlivened only by Sheree Murphy's hilarious revelations about peachy bottomed, stretchmarked, Backstreet Boys loving, wants-to-play-in-Italy husband Harry Kewell.
The series line-up starts, appropriately enough, with somebody who really isn't a celebrity.
"Barrymore... spends his time mumbling incoherently like a Valium blitzed cripple to the Diary Room as if it were his personal psychotherapist, the self-pitying fraud."
Chantelle - made the journey from nobody to celebrity in a matter of days. She will be making the return journey in half that time.
The initial feeling (certainly from me) was that this girl couldn't win. But the big personalities in the house have proved to be so vile that she quietly advanced towards the position of favourite. 'Chantelle2Win' and 'Chantelle luvs Preston' texts now abound on E4 - I admit I shouldn't have sent them but I was caught up in the national fervour.
Michael Barrymore - tortured comic 'genius', world's worst pool attendant and non-murderer. Spends his time mumbling incoherently like a Valium blitzed cripple to the Diary Room as if it were his personal psychotherapist, the self-pitying fraud.
While he is keen to sell himself as a damaged victim of circumstance, the suspicion lingers that he is simply a deeply unpleasant, pathologically insecure, clinically depressed sack of shit who left the country when a man turned up dead in his pool. Not that this stopped him being the initial favourite - lay, lady, lay was the advice in Casa Paradise.
"The photos (of Pete's lips) were the least welcome images since those Internet shots of the elephantine Alison coming out of the showers in BB3."
Pete Burns - preposterous botox-addled atrocity. Is currently suing his plastic surgeon for pus spewing out of his lips after one of his many cosmetic alterations. The photos of this were the least welcome images since those Internet shots of the elephantine Alison coming out of the showers in BB3.
While he has obvious wit and intelligence, Burns is a hugely offensive freak, guilty of co-ordinating a bullying campaign against Jodie and Chantelle with his sidekicks Barrymore and Galloway. I hope his lips split open again and he drowns in his own pus the horrible horrible get. From a betting point of view his strong points will be outweighed by the fact that the British public don't like a bitch unless it's done with charm and without the vindictiveness that he possesses in bundles.
"Rula Lenska - ancient icon of that old oxymoron '1980s sophistication'. Walks and talks with the air of an émigré Austrian Countess."
Maggot - Goldie Looking Chain rapper who came across as the 'regular guy' for this series but has shown no willingness to engage with the experience and seems content merely to sit around eating cornflakes before picking up his pay cheque at the end. A big disappointment to many.
Rula Lenska - ancient icon of that old oxymoron '1980s sophistication'. Walks and talks with the air of an émigré Austrian Countess.
She seems to be one of those contestants who arrive every year in the Celebrity Big Brother experience purely to moan and state her remarkable insights such as "I think some people are playing to the camera" like in every other Big Brother series they were all sitting around discussing Proust.
Jodie Marsh - fame hungry glamour half-wit who seeks to avoid fame. The conflict is strong in this one.
"Dennis Rodman - walking tripod and future NBA Hall of Famer, he stalks the house like a rutting stag in mating season."
Afflicted by a profound social autism she realises she is unpopular but has absolutely no clue why - even when everybody tells her why. Induces pity and contempt in equal measure. Her being first eviction was a foregone conclusion from the early days
Traci Bingham: perma-smiling former Baywatch babe with her best years behind her - Traci is always on hand with a fortune cookie platitude delivered with all the sincerity of a timeshare salesman who hasn't reached his quotas this month.
Traded as low as 12 on the grounds that she was "nice". Once again the Paradise advice was to make like a hen and get laying.
Dennis Rodman - walking tripod and future NBA Hall of Famer, he stalks the house like a rutting stag in mating season. Utterly ludicrous.
"Faria Alam - The Football Association office bike and kiss-and-tell queen who has confessed to urinating in an ex-boyfriend's tea."
Faria Alam - The Football Association office bike and kiss-and-tell queen who has confessed to urinating in an ex-boyfriend's tea. Much speculation ensued as to which England game this was before. Could Sven's tactical ineptitude be put down to a urinary yeast infection?
Famous for trumpeting her own prowess as a fellatrix, it was soon abundantly clear that Pariah was a totally worthless cocksucker of no import whatso. In the betting, the crucial question tormenting gamblers has been "do I lay her at 80 or 85?"
Preston - member of the (very) Ordinary Boys who's tattoos seem a little incongruous. Being a member of an utterly hopeless gaggle of Indiescum hasn't yet checked his rise to national notoriety. He has felt overpriced throughout Big Brother due to his lack of charisma.
George Galloway - chairman of the hilariously titled Respect party, shameless self-publicist and confidant of murderous dictators, Galloway has been a difficult one for bettors to figure out - trading initially in the teens, reaching as high as 100. His most important role has been as manipulator of the dynamics within the house rather than as a potential winner.
"My current favourite strategy is to wait until the content of the Thursday show is available and back the evictee accordingly."
My current favourite strategy is to wait until the content of the Thursday show is available and back the evictee accordingly. This is usually the favourite - I believe there's a tendency among the betting community to remember the big turnovers rather than the expected results and I think there's more value to be had late on in the day at the shorter prices.
If you're new to Big Brother betting the mantra is: Expect the unexpected, don't over trade in the first week, remember that one task can change everything, ride the price falls even when they're obviously unsustainable, see who the edits are favouring and never back a black female.
BBC
