Here at Paradise, we love Big Brother more than we love the dead skin on your grandma's chapped lips. We have a strong record of making mad loot on the summertime extravaganza and the bookies walk gingerly in fear whenever they see us around.
At least I think that's the reason - it could be Ashley Cole's mobile on vibrate. Either way, they have certainly been taking it in the ass from
us over the past few summers and long may it continue
"The Big Brother launch night and finale are TV events that seem as established as changing of the guard, the Wimbledon final and unfunny BBC sitcoms."
After just six series, the Big Brother launch night and finale are TV events that seem as established as changing of the guard, the Wimbledon final and unfunny BBC sitcoms.
Maybe because it's become so familiar it lacked a little excitement this year - Davina with those chunky little legs, in black, pregnant again, running breathlessly around a BRAND NEW house which you couldn't help noticing looked just like all the others. She seemed to be getting a little too excited at the soft furnishings and contemporary light fittings. I'm sure I saw a wet patch when she got up off the Diary Room chair.
Despite increasingly vociferous criticism of her interview technique and crowd control Davina has hung on to power like Robert Mugabe - a stance no doubt emboldened by the failure of her hysterically piss poor chat show which briefly threatened to eclipse Nigella Lawson's for prime-time inanity.
"The limo spewed them out, one-by-one to suckle hungrily on the teat of celebrity that swung low over their heads."
So it was Davina (not Russell Brand, not Dermot O'Leary or indeed David O'Leary) who welcomed the hopeful shitbags into the Kafkaesque holiday camp they call Big Brother. The limo spewed them out, one- by-one to suckle hungrily on the teat of celebrity that swung low over their heads. They came as follows.
Pete, 24: Poster boy for Tourette syndrome, Peter employs a shtick that combines the comedy stylings of Robin Williams with the physical jerks of Jim Carrey or Lee Evans. If that sounds like the single most annoying entity imaginable - you're half right.
Pete, however, enjoys the luxury of saying out loud what we're all thinking about the other housemates. Every Big Brother has a catchphrase and this year's is: ~cough~ wankers!
~whistles~
He is a strong early favourite but there's no value at the current prices.
"Shahbaz wants people to see that there are gay Muslims out there who are not terrorists. Bound to guarantee him the Muslim vote (for execution)."
Shahbaz, 37: The Scottish Asian homosexual Shahbaz wants people to see that there are gay Muslims out there who are not terrorists. Bound to guarantee him the Muslim vote (for execution). A gay man who has never had a boyfriend, at 37 he does appear to have a few issues with boundaries and not shutting the fuck up. Effortlessly got people's backs up early on.
Expect to see much weeping and 'why does nobody love me' Diary Room appearances as the show unravels. Would lose a popularity contest against gonorrhoea.
Lea, 35(!) Space hopper titted monstrosity who is claiming to be 35 when she is mid-forties at youngest. The product of decades of plastic surgery, she's hugely proud of her 30M norks and claims she's doing Big Brother "for my son and for my mom" Of course you are! Her son is beside himself with glee as playground bullies tactfully avoid the subject of his mother's breasts. Thanks Mom!
While she isn't yet hated, she is quite dreary and negative and will be quietly shuffled out of house around the 5th or 6th eviction.
"Bonnie is a care worker who has recently started working with people with Down's syndrome so she'll be right at home here."
Bonnie, 20: Bonnie is a care worker who has recently started working with people with Down's syndrome so she'll be right at home here. She was very vocal on her audition tape in her hope that there would be much masturbation in the Big Brother house. Classy!
Her betting potential seems likely to be limited to the jolly for the first eviction but first week prices of 85 are tempting for trading purposes at least.
Imogen: A former Miss Wales, Imogen once spent £1,000 on underwear in a crazed spree. Variously described as "sexy", "edgy" and "confident" I'd probably lean towards "dreary", "hairy" and "tart" in my description. Seems popular enough early on though I'm not yet convinced that she is enough of a girl's girl to be a real threat.
"George seems likely to spend his time in the house missing the point, misreading the public reaction and wondering why he lacks the common touch that some toffs have."
George, 19: The flat-nosed posh boy with royal connections doesn't like hyper-gay men and after having been surrounded by closet cases his entire life it's not hard to imagine why. Unapologetic for his privileged background, George seems likely to spend his time in the house missing the point, misreading the public reaction and wondering why he lacks the common touch that some toffs have.
Grace, 20: Grace has the unfortunate combination of being female and a Sloane Ranger. Which is like a potential suitor of Heather McCartney being broke and of sound mind. The dance teacher insists she won't fuck anybody in the house which makes her even more pointless. Spoiled and not particularly bright. Not a good combo.
Richard, 33: Self-proclaimed 'sexual terrorist' Richard hails from Canada and waits tables for a living like the people in Dandy Warhols' - Bohemian Like You, so you'd better not get bent about sleeping on the couch while he's there. A fully qualified sex bore, Richard hopes to spend his time in the house being bummed by big strong men. A wholly plausible wish.
"A fully qualified sex bore, Richard hopes to spend his time in the house being bummed by big strong men. A wholly plausible wish."
Good top three material but, like Dan from Big Brother 5, has a superior attitude which the British public just don't care for.
Lisa, 27: The sassy Chinese Manc looks about 300 years old with a smile to match. Quite engaging in an oriental prostitute about to steal your wallet kind of way. She confesses to having a temper and warns that nobody should cross her. Despite this, she luv you long-time and looks a possible to be in the shake-up for the final night.
Her flirtation with Tourette boy Pete will do her no harm at all. She likes his madcap exuberance and he likes the fact that he's finally met someone who swears more than he does.
"If he shows the slightest sliver of a sensitive side he will be one of the favourites as those girls just can't resist a lovable rogue."
Mikey, 22. The Scouse model received boos for an anti-feminist comment on his audition tape but this really shouldn't bother
him. If he shows the slightest sliver of a sensitive side he will be one of the favourites as those girls just can't resist a lovable rogue. Has winner potential if he avoids Federico's excesses.
Dawn, 38: Dawn is an exercise scientist from Birmingham - there's no such job, of course. She provided a frankly hilarious audition tape which revealed her philosophy of life being "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short."Perma-scowling Dawn has no friends, doesn't like people and doesn't like life. It's my favourite single audition for Big Brother and she deserves to win based on the strength of the homage to Ingmar Bergman alone. She is betting anthrax, of course, and will be voted out at the first opportunity
"If, as I suspect, his mother was beaten up for being ugly or nagging then she can hardly complain."
Sezer: Sezer speaks about having grown up in a women's refuge. If, as I suspect, his mother was beaten up for being ugly or nagging then she can hardly complain. It's a shame somebody isn't beating Sezer up as he's a smug little shitbag. A stockbroker/property developer he came up the hard way like Syed from The Apprentice but Doesn't Want To Talk About It. Just like Syed.
A bit too knowing, a bit too pretty, a bit too rich to win this.
"This jug-eared face holocaust somehow believes himself to be sexually attractive."
Nikki: The in-your-face, sit-on-your-face blonde model sees being a footballer's wife as the pinnacle of achievement for a slut like her and, of course, she's right. Being a footballer's wife these days generally involves being a beard for his rampant homosexuality so let's hope she gets her wish.
May hang around like a bad smell for a while but is too dim-witted to be embraced wholeheartedly by the public.
Glyn: This jug-eared face holocaust somehow believes himself to be sexually attractive. Exhibiting the kind of arms-length relationship with reality that X Factor auditionees specialise in, Glyn proudly proclaims himself Sexiest Lifeguard In North Wales
an award that sits proudly on his mantelpiece alongside his extra chromosome.
BBC
