Southampton are the world's most altruistic football team.
For starters, they gave the world Matthew Le Tissier and a string of last-day survival stories, thus brightening up a decade of football which saw Man Utd win everything and George Graham, well, exist in public.
"it's going to take more than charity and a crazy Serb to save Portsmouth from being passed by their south-coast superiors on the way down"
Now, after almost three decades entertaining the country's footballing elite, they thought it would be nice to share a lovely stadium, complete with the flattest pitch in football, with those less fortunate souls in places such as Crewe. And Luton.
The Saints have even extended this sporting generosity to the bunch of freaks and misfits kept under police scrutiny inside Fratton Park, by taking Ricardo 'no goal in forty games' Fuller to St Mary's.
However, it is a foolish man who lets this free-spirited munificence go too far. Just ask Machiavelli. So sorry to you children of the Championship—this is just a season-long loan. Furthermore, it's going to take more than charity and a crazy Serb to save Portsmouth from being passed by their south-coast superiors on the way down.
"Jose Mourinho can do what the hell he likes this season and he'll still win the title at a canter."
The season may only be a handful of games old, but even Mark Lawrenson can see that Portsmouth, along with Sunderland and Wigan are for the chop. Beyond that it only gets interesting for the geeks who care about order.
No one has quite grasped just how poor Portsmouth are just yet, so get on while you can, before their opponents drop to 1.01 for every game, or Perrin's Patheticos are ejected by the powers-that-be for crimes against top-flight football.
It's going to be no more exciting at the other end, although it will be a damn sight prettier. Jose Mourinho can do what the hell he likes this season and he'll still win the title at a canter. He could even put little Shaun Wright-Phillips in goal and leave Man Utd and Arsenal in his mighty blue wake.
The only real challenge for Chelsea is whether they can score 100 goals while conceding none. Stranger things have happened—Keith Richards is still alive for one.
SWP may not have been placed between the sticks just yet, but Chelsea have been giving their opposition a sporting chance. For instance, starting with Drogba while the superior Crespo has been allowed to catch up on some kip sat on the bench.
It's like those times last season when Alexei Smertin took to the field. Expect this kind of behaviour to continue—Mourinho gets bored very easily, he needs something to keep him occupied.
There might be something to look forward to: if Hernan is feeling frisky when Portsmouth travel to the Bridge, we could see double figures.
But this wild speculation gets us nowhere money-wise. Other than the widening gap between Good and Bad in the EPL, what have the first few weeks shown us, and how do we turn it into dirty-Russian levels of hard cash?
First up, it looks like Charlton are at it again—insane start, mediocre middle and self-destruction come the New Year. You can bet on it, literally.
Despite looking strong on paper, Middlesborough have been disappointing so far, so look out for the signs of an upturn and ride with them up the table—only a fool or a Newcastle fan doesn't expect them to be top six or seven in May.
Speaking of Newcastle, it looks like same again for them this season—a woeful start, followed by a mid-table finish in a season punctuated with on-pitch brawls and some of the most miserable post-match interviews you're ever likely to witness.
Owen should hasten the climb up the table, but he's a fragile fellow and it's hard to say whether he'll settle in all that well with the assorted pimps and lunatics at St. James's.
Elsewhere, Tottenham are due to come good as soon as Carrick and Davids sort out which one of them is going to stay back a bit and plug the gaping chasm in front of their relatively inexperienced defence. This will either happen around Christmas or not at all.
"Charlton are at it again - insane start, mediocre middle and self-destruction come the New Year. You can bet on it, literally."
The rest of the league looks a bit like a room full of Chinese through the eyes of Prince Philip—a nebulous blob of rather pointless similarity.
Except for those jammy European champions from Scouseland, of course, who will finish fourth, especially now Everton look to be on the inevitable come-down from last season, which James Beattie seems to be coping with by eating lots of pies. That'll help.
Amid this mass of facelessness, predictability and just general incompetence, it may well be worth looking more closely at the under/over markets this season, rather than trying to pluck the winner out of yet another mediocre mid-table scrap.
With so many teams having either a shocking forward line or a pitiful defence, it is my most humble of opinions that there's money to be made—think Fulham-Everton—there'll be more where that came from.
Conclusions for the season, are, therefore, as dire as the fact that there will be another Sunderland-Wigan match up. With that on the horizon, the betting gods are contractually obliged to make the betting more enticing, to make up for the ineptitude sprawled over the nation's pitches. Make the most of it.
If that all sounds gloomier than Kenny Dalglish at a Radiohead gig, don't worry—it's only for a season.
BBC
